p.s i'm still not over you.

i just sent him a message on facebook to tell him everything i thought i should say. i thought about it last night as i listen to song TONGUE TIED over and over and over again. i figured that since i'm cutting off the bridge i should might as well not left it hanging. i just hope i won't regret sending him a message. I just don't want things in me to be left unsaid. he oughtta know how i feel. maybe some of you may think that i sent it just because i'm still hoping that maybe he'd realize what he was losing and that it will make him come to me. well, NO. i guess that "letter" was just my way of saying goodbye. just a way of forgiving myself for not being loved by the one person i care about the most. that message was my way of putting it all behind me..

..and hopefully i'd be able to move on now.

there's beauty in walking away.

if you have read my previous posts, you would certainly know that i'm still  NOT OVER my ex yet. when i write about him, i don't make it sound like he`s a total jerk (when he actually is!) maybe because i am just crazy about him. I wasn't really ready to move on and just forget everything about him and what we had. it's been three months since we broke up but the truth is, i'm still hoping that we could figure things out and that he is still into me. I'm still clinging to the thought that he's just afraid to have a serious relationship again because he was hurt before and that he's just not ready to commit yet. But for the past few weeks that i`ve been "stalking" him on his facebook, i've come to realize that i was just assuming things. He's moved on and has no plans of getting back with me. As i've shared in my previous post, he is already fixated on this girl he fondly call's his "property". but earlier when i was checking his facebook wall again, i felt numb staring at the picture of the girl. He bought her in ffs. now he calls her "moy". i checked his ffs profile and i felt like crying. the girl is not his pet owner at the moment but he's prof was captioned "moy's". i felt like my world was about to explode. this caption only means that he was hers and that all the hopes are gone for me. he's not coming back. i just feel so sad right now because i hoped that we will be together again and i thought he just needed the time to sort his feelings out for me. but then again, you can't always have what you are hoping for.

and now that he has his eyes set on someone new , i think it'd be better if i walk away cause it cuts me to the core knowing that he's got another chick that he's crazy about. given that, i removed him in my FB friends. :[

i just have to cut all the bridges that connect me to him. i deleted his fone digits from my fonebook. i fought the urge to NOT memorize his new fone no. [i used to memorize the old one]..

hopefully this will help me move on.

and if we really are meant to be for each other, i believe that he will find his way back to me..without me doing all the effort.

this may sound like a sad ending for what could have been my greatest love story but i`m glad that i went through all these. i`m glad that i had him..even for a short while.

and i certainly learned my lesson.

p.s: i just want to share something about what i have learned from my bestfriend about love:

..love is not something you search or wait for, it's something that will just come to you when you least expect it. so don't search. don't expect. just let love find you. 

random of ramdoms.

 i am easily pissed off lately. i don't know why exactly but i'm guessing that this is the aftermath of not to talking to the One up there lately. don't get me wrong here my dear fellas, i have absolutely nothing against God but i just can't bring myself to talk to Him right now. Let's just say..i'm not in the mood. Maybe i`m just being too lazy or just feeling really indifferent. arrrgh. i just hope He understands. :|

i just feel so alone, insecure and indifferent these past few days. arrrrrrgh! Stress can really be such a monster sometimes.

i was able to watch Stephen King`s THE MIST the other day. i must say that this is definitely a must-see movie. Here's a synopsis:

A powerful thunderstorm unleashes a mist that envelops a small Maine town. Dozens are trapped inside a supermarket knowing that in the mist are horrible creatures which feed on humans. Being stranded takes its psychological toll. The trapped shoppers split into 2 camps: those who believe it is an act of a vengeful god who demands human sacrifice and those don't. Based on a rather long short story by Stephen King, long considered one of his scariest. (www.imdb.com)

    

 i swear this film has the most unexpected, shocking and ironic ending ever. i just really felt bad for the people.

My boyfriend and i had our 1st monthsary yesterday! yaay! :D But unfortunately, we were not together to do something special about it. He's in my hometown and it's a three-hour drive from where i am at (CDO city) so we can't really see each other just like that. But it's totally fine with me. i mean, i also want our monthsary to be something special but i just feel so indifferent. TBH, i am having doubts about my feelings towards him. Silly ey? not to mention plain stupid to be with a guy you don't really love. He's nice and all but i just can't find myself to love him. This is the it's-not-you-it's me drama in a relationship. i know it's my fault. i just have this tendency to jump fast into a relationship even if i haven't sorted out my feelings for the guy yet. Don't get me wrong here okay? i am not a slut or something. it's just that i love the thought of having a boyfriend so i say yes to a guy on impulse. But i'm kinda loyal okay? i don't collect and select. i stick to one. But when i already have a guy i can call mine, it's only when i realize that he's not really my type (meaning, he doesn't fit in my standards) or that i simply just don't belong with him. And it's always too late to back out because the guy is already into me and then i start to feel guilty because i know it would totally break his heart if i call the relationship off. believe me, i had a couple of guys crying for me (i`m  not bragging, mind you). and i get scared sometimes because karma may just be around the bend waiting to get me. lalala.  not to mention, i`m still not over my ex. arrrrrgh! i just can't deal with this right now but i hope i can figure things out soon. i think this is just a case of a love bipolar. :|

when stupidity strikes.

so i was trying several themes from www.blogskins.com to see if i could actually use one for my blog here. I wanted something that would make my blog page simple yet astig. So i tried on some themes, pasted them on the html box of the template but it seemed that there's always an "error" with the code and so tried to figure out what's wrong. I saw this link below the html box : REVERT TO CLASSIC TEMPLATE. So a pop out window appeared saying that if i revert, changes will not be retrieve or something like that. I clicked on the ok button. I tried again other themes and yes, it worked! But stupid me, i was not able to save a copy of the codes of my last template so basically my LINKS are gone too! T.T

so, to my deareast & awesomest linkies..if you happen to stumble on my blog page again, kindly drop your URLs on my cbox so that i may relink you, ok? i sincerely apologize for my stupidity.

does a past really mean..it's over?

Here i am again. i thought i am soo close to being over him. i`m soo dead wrong. For the first time ever, i cried for the effin jerk who had the guts to break my heart over and over and over again. i never cried for him before (when he totally left me hangin! ) but today was, let's just say, different. just a simple pm from him sent my heart down into the drain. It went like this:

R: ga..(then a link..)
help xa ffs b.

ME: (feelin all giddy..)
lols. oki. (then i clicked on the link..)

..done!

(no reply.)

..yah..as usual he did not reply after he got what he wanted. typical him. the worst part about this roller coaster ride with him is that it makes me feel empty and alone and it's been like months (i`m guessing three). yah, sounds like your girl here is bitter right? well guess what..i am! i thought i could just hide the pain but the truth just hit me right in the face..i am still into him like hell. i pretended like i am not anymore but today..i come clean.i still want him so bad and i miss him sooo much and i`d do anything just to have him right beside me. But i guess it`s really too late. He already has his eyes set on this girl he fondly calls ABC and his "property"!

.. i even cried myself to sleep last night. i have all these gazillion questions running through my mind.

..what happened?

..did i do something wrong to make him go away?

..does he even care?

..did he really meant what he texted me?

..i thought he wanted to give it another shot coz he thinks it's a mistake leaving me. Where is he now?

..is he into that girl?

..are we even friends?

..and blah..blah..blah..

..argggggh! this is killing me. it drives me crazy thinking what has happened and what could have happened given a different circumstance and i mean..if i haven't sent all those stupid and at-times-fake GMs.

..he's all i have ever wanted and although we only had each other for so short a time, i am sure as hell that i love him.

..it's just so hard to move on when all that i ever think about are the memories we made and all those things he said. I just hate the thought of losing him..even as a friend. But he`s just soo far away from me. He always keeps his distance from me like i have some sort of a disease or something. It seems like the mere mention of me freaks him out (or maybe im just exaggerating). BUT, he still calls me "ga". arggggghhhhh! screw this.

..people tell me to move on because this only means that he doesn't want me anymore or that he's just not worth it..heck! what do you know? easy for you to say `cause you haven't known him. he`s the best that i ever had. just like katy perry`s song goes.. how do i get better once i`ve had the best?

..i just wish he`d stop being a mannequin and just see me. :l